did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
