One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
