peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
