Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
