She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
