I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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