did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
