Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
