how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she peed on how many people?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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