I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
