im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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