So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
