Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
