its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
