I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
