Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
