I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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