thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
