I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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