Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
