you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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