I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
