If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
