Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Barsexuality is the new black.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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