She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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