Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
