everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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