I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
