Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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