I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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