You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
