she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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