I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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