I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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