Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
