I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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