wrigley field is MILF paradise
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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