these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
