Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
