Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
