dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
