Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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