he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
