Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
