Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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