We're facebook friends in real life
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
