Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
