I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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