I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
