I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
PANTIES FOUND
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