yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
