So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
