Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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